Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
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(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
where do you see yourself in five years?
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent