this is one of the best threads in twitter history
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They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did