Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
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I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.