All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
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“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.