*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
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Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
me logging onto twitter
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”