me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
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True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please