If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
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“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
My wife gives the best headache.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
cause of death:
autopsy.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Is this the real life?
Is this just
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Wait for it
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.