Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
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The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Autocarrot sucks!
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky