[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
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Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.