In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
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ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing