Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
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My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible