Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
You Might Also Like
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.