Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
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The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
😂😂
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
I’m calling the cops.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon