Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
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Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.