Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
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H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.