If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
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Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history