If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
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Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*