HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
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Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank