Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
You Might Also Like
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*