I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
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Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
nyc:
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.