“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
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“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment