Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
You Might Also Like
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
me before I type out affect or effect
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Go girl power!
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?