Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
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*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
a lot to unpack here
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I have obtained a hat
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”