Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
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Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter