[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
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I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
are there any atheist mantises?
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.