Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
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9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”