My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
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[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
bias laundering edition
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…