FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
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People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Does it…does it take 3 days
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?