*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
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I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I feel like one of these would kill a European