At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
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ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
me refusing to leave twitter
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”