“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
You Might Also Like
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
get you a girl who
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me