do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
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They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
drew a comic about my origin story
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.