*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
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DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
what could possibly go wrong?
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine