Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
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Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Safety first
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.