I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
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Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.