My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
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Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
I created you as mosquito food.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”