I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
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Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?