I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
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Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Harsh but fair
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.