(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
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Was it something I said?
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard