Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
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I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.