[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
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ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.