Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
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back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
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I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
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3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.