gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
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*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Don’t touch that.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house