It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
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Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Xylophonist Shredding It
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’