HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
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Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Think I pulled my liver
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market