My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
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“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Cashiers are always checking me out
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose