I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
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*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
#ParentingFacts
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.