My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
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me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Shortcut
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*