My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
You Might Also Like
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’