observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
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You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”